the ups, the downs and the just plain crazy!

to kick things off, here's the moment everyone's been waiting for!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/coreyinchina/5222962749/

Good day far away friends,
I have a few things to update everyone on about my crazy life here in China. First as you can see Super MJ Dance Team™ is well on its way to stardom. I was only able to upload a small part of the dance, so unfortunately you miss the best part in the middle where I get them to jump around in a circle and pretend to stab each other in the chest with knives (this is not a joke! go watch the beat it video!)
On Tuesday this week I was well into teaching my second period grade 4 class when, bursting in, came two members of the Super MJ Dance Team™ out of breath from running across the schoolyard and up four flights of stairs to find me. Also, in their haste, they both failed to realize that I do not speak Chinese and their attempted message would be hard to relay.

"Hello, small portion of Super MJ Dance Team™." I said to them as they entered the classroom.

"Relax. Breathe. What message do you bring from afar, oh young ones?"

"Dance. Principal. Michael Jackson. Corey. Oh my Gaga! Come now!"
A short note: I don't know how it started but when I first started teaching the kids would all say "Oh my god!" once in awhile when I did something crazy or gave them alot of homework. But somehow it then morphed into "Oh my Lady Gaga!" and now it has shortened to "Oh my Gaga!" They all say this all the time and it boggles my mind as well as amuses me. Back to the story...

"Oh my Gaga!" I replied. And told my co-teacher that I must leave immediately and she would have to take over the rest of the class.
The principal of our school, the principal of the main school, the headmaster, my boss and two incredibly cute dance teachers were all coming to see my progress on our performance and decide if they will put funding into it or not. We were not even remotely prepared for this. I had just taught them one other part of the dance the day before and haven't even started on the musicians yet.

I raced across the schoolyard with the two messengers and yelled "Super MJ Dance Team™ ASSEMBLE!" ran up to my room, grabbed my guitar and Joes bass he's lending me and ran down to our practice room. Nemo was waiting for me at the door and seemed equally stressed out about the situation. I told him thank you for the wonderful surprise and he proclaimed he had no idea this was happening either. We both walked in the room to see them all sitting there, headmaster smoking a cigarette (in an elementary school.. what a baller) and Super MJ Dance Team™ ready to rock.
I told them we hadn't practiced it all together yet and we're not even close to finished but they said to just do each part separately. OK then. I pulled up a chair and played through my part on my acoustic guitar, while a few of them sang. So far not bad.
After trying to impress the dance teachers with my Beat it guitar playing skills we all moved on to the main dance. It went well, besides the part in the middle they had just learnt where I was running around telling them to pretend to fight each other. They all seemed relatively satisfied with the performance and proceeded to hash out the equipment details and everything with me. Mr Li handed me a smoke and, after the fourth time trying to explain I don't smoke in elementary schools nor in front of my children, they all left.
I breathed a sigh of relief. That wasn't so bad.

Later on that day I walked in to teach my grade 5 class and noticed they had all drawn pictures of snowmen and posted them all over the classroom. How cute I thought, until upon further inspection:
One snowman was holding a handgun with a happy smile on his face and kids playing all around him.
One snowman was shooting other snowmen.
One snowman was shooting a man in the face.
One snowman was shooting Michael Jackson.
One snowman was strapped to the teeth like Rambo.
One snowman was shooting fire out of his hands and burning an entire village.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE CHILDREN! This kind of thing would never fly in my elementary school. Or any in Canada for that matter. I brought Nemo over and asked If this was okay. He said his usual "Is good!" and I stood there in wonder. Something about the whole scene seemed both totally wrong and totally awesome at the same time. Oh yes, I remembered, I'm in China. I realized this wasn't so bad. If I had been allowed back in the day I would have drawn guns on everything I made at school. That's just how boys are. It seems in Chinese schools the teachers don't have much of a problem letting children draw or act out that kind of thing. I've even jumped on the band wagon and gotten into the habit of shooting my kids once in awhile. They all do a fantastic fake death. I even walked in the classroom with a gun to a kids head once and told them all to stay back, afterwards I shot the kid and then offed myself. They all laughed hysterically, including Nemo.
What a strange, strange country this is.

Now for the good times. Last Thursday all the teachers planned to celebrate American Thanksgiving at a restaurant called Aloha. The school was even nice enough to provide us with a driver to take us there. We all met at the main school and then hopped in a van for an hour trip into Hangyang, a part of the city I have not been to yet.
Hanyang is the industrial part of town it seems and the main streets are lined with car dealerships and small factories. Packed in with all that is a very large foreign population, international schools and westernized restaurants. Many families whose parents work in industry live there and I saw my first child walking around in quite awhile who wasn't asian. We pulled up to the area and I bolted out of the van excitedly. On the water there was a big pirate ship. Amused easily, I ran over to find that it was an old restaurant on the water that had been closed down recently. There would be no pirating for me today. We then found a giant life sized chess game and my disappointment over the pirate ship quickly faded. A few of us played a quick game and then went into Aloha for our meal.

This place was amazing. It was owned by two americans who both greeted us at the door and informed us that we would all be leaving there with full bellies. We had appetizers and wine to start. Things wrapped in bacon and pastry with cream cheese, I was in heaven already and had to stop myself from filling up before the actual meal came.
And what a meal it was. Real turkey imported from America (there are no turkeys in China) real gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, vegetables in this cheese sauce. I almost cried to be honest.
We made a toast to good friends and good food as well as being thankful for all the times like these, while we're all so far from home and our families. I have always been appreciative of those things but this was something new. We were like a little family. I ate with a smile on my face, packed up some pumpkin pie and went home to a deep sleep, one of those after-turkey sleeps.
amazing.

Now no good moment here goes without out a sudden awakening, with China suddenly bursting back to reality. This happened, quite literally, to me Saturday morning.
I had spent the night at another teachers house. After I work my teaching job Friday night over there I usually go hang out with some of the teachers who live in that area and then just crash there.
I awoke to the sound of machine guns.
Or at least I thought it was machine guns. Only after jumping terrified off my futon and wiping away the sleep haze did I finally realize they were just fireworks. But not nice colourful kind in the sky, the ones you set off at ground level that just make alot of noise and sound like machine guns. I'm all for random explosives I thought, but then looked at the time: 7am. What in the hell was someone setting fireworks off for at 7am? Just when I thought they had ended, out of nowhere the amplified sound of an orchestra blasted through the area. I was unsure if it was a real orchestra or just some guy with a giant speaker but I really didn't care. The song played for about 1 minute and then as soon as it reached the closing crescendo came another round of fireworks. Okay, that was odd. I thought.
But then it repeated again, and again, and again. On it went throughout the morning. An orchestral song followed by loud, gunshot like fireworks. All starting at the wonderful hour of 7am on a Saturday. What's wrong with these people? I was confused and enraged beyond belief.
I asked Lyndley if she possessed a sniper rifle but alas, she did not.

I never did find out what that was all about but it ruined my day. You see China is always sort of in the middle with everything. So many great, wonderful, cultural things about it and then it all ruins your day with one asshole with fireworks, or one guy pushing you to the ground on a bus or cars flying in all directions in a traffic nightmare. Some things I think are improved and innovative while others are completely backwards and just plain crazy. I try to just take everything in the best I can and just realize it's all an adventure. Good or bad, up or down.

What happens in Changsha stays in Changsha

Ni hao friends and family.
So last weekend I safely returned from the Changsha excursion. I'm not even going to explain what partook in this city. Let's just say 11 guys and many bottles of whiskey in a foreign city for 3 days is a recipe for disaster. Mother do not worry your son was relatively behaved. I cannot say the same for some of the other teachers on the trip. But it was expected.
Changsha is a big city quite similar to Wuhan, I didn't find much difference in it besides the fact that there was a subway (the restaurant) and I ate there about four times in complete bliss.
We boarded the train after school at about 3 in the afternoon on Friday and three blurry days later we somehow all arrived home in one piece. I took no pictures of the trip but i did take a video of all of us racing through the streets on electric motorbikes yelling at each other. Unfortunately, when I checked my bag recently it seems I have lost my camera. I either left it in Changsha or it got stolen. I lose everything I own at some point or another as some of you already know. This means there will be no pictures or videos for awhile until I get a new one.

and that is all i will say about Changsha.......... It's for the best trust me.

I returned to Wuhan and went back to work. After classes on Monday it was time for my big audition for my super Michael Jackson singing, dancing team. I was surprised to see that about 40 kids showed up and I had no idea where to even start. Basically, I started pointing at people and saying "you. sing" or "you.dance" "NOW". I didn't expect so many people to show up and I knew I could only choose maybe 10 of them to be part of the show. I felt so bad telling kids they had to leave, but Nemo and Mr. Li were booting kids out the door left and right. I guess with that many people it had to be narrowed down quickly.
I ended up with about 20 kids because I couldn't choose between people, some of them just tried so hard and I couldn't stand to see the look of rejection on their faces. Some were also my students and I have to admit I was picking favourites. I was being way too nice for this.
I explained this to Mr. Li and he straight up told me "This is China, they are used to being rejected"
Oh well i guess when you put it that way....
So I had spent the short time I had before my audition scrambling some sort of mini dance routine to teach them to seperate the dancers, as a majority of the kids who showed up were girls wanting to dance. Let me reiterate that I have no experience in this whatsoever. But I learnt the first few parts of the dance from the actual music video of Beat It and proceeded to try to teach them. The ones that couldn't keep up got sent away. It actually became fun after awhile.
You, leave.
You, get the %$# out.
You, cut.
You, yea your not good enough get out.
You, your humping the air repeatedly. Awesome, but CUT.
The singers weren't too hard to pick out. I basically just picked the ones who were brave enough to sing on the spot and showed enthusiasm. Singing is all about confidence and I needed performers, not people who were going to choke on stage. Choking on stage in front of people will get you killed in China. I didn't want any kids deaths from their parents on my hands. Oh and one kid is totally a homosexual, he can sing and dance like no ones business. He's definitely in.
Funny actually, I told Nemo I wanted 6 boys and 5 girls and he pointed to the gay kid and said "but he is girl." I was speechless.
Nemo.. you clown you.
I also had to assemble a little asian rock band. I think our band name will be "Fuzzy Panda Kill Robot Good." I would be shredding the lead Van Halen guitar in Beat it, while I had to pick my drummer and keyboard player as well as figure out who is going to play bass. None of the kids had any idea what a bass even was. I found a little boy who was pretty good at guitar and strapped a bass to him. "Okay asian Paul Mccartney" I said "Now you have to play bass, no more guitar for you."
I think thats how all bass players start out. No one plays bass by pure choice. If they do, it's because they know they've killed most of their brain cells from Marijuana use. Who are they kidding? They can't play guitar. Let alone spell the word.
Corey=1 Bass players=0

After two days of tryouts and disappointed children I had picked out my super MJ team. I stood in the middle of the room and yelled "super MJ team. ASSEMBLE!"
and we started work on the choreography. With all my bosses watching I proceeded to teach my first dance class.
Why did I agree to this?

Through watching many youtube videos and dancing around my room for a few days I was able to piece together the dance from the music video. I wish you guys could see me do this thing. Hilarious.
So lately this is how I've been spending most of my days. I teach my four classes in the morning, have an hour break for lunch and then teach singing, dancing and a band for 3 hours after school. It really is alot of work. I get home and just want to relax but then I have to keep up on my marking for my classes and lesson planning. But I guess it's good that I am keeping busy and not sitting around like last month.

Today though practice was cancelled. All the teachers were called in to a meeting this afternoon and told we were going to be learning a song. Oh great, I thought, more singing. To my wondrous surprise the song we would be singing would be a chinese song. How thoughtful of them. Apparently there is a big show next month with all the schools and they want all the foreign teachers to sing a chinese song on stage for all the parents, directors and principals. What a fun idea that is.
We sat in a room for 2 hours today all attempting to sing this traditional chinese song. I rather enjoyed it actually and pondered why I didn't join the choir in highschool. Oh yes, because it was totally not cool at the time.
Then she said we would be doing another song, an english song this time. The chinese singing teacher busted out the lyrics to Take Me Home Country Road by John Denver. Interesting. I've learnt that the Chinese absolutely love this song. I played it at the bar and the whole place went insane.
Apparently we would be singing Hua Dua li Huo (or whatever the hell it is) followed by some good ole John Denver. What a beautiful set list. They flow incredibly well together.
Me, Sean and Chris all ran and got our guitars for the song and all the teachers sang it at the top of our lungs. We only needed some beers and it would have been a party.

Other than all that I haven't been doing too much else. The other day I got lost for 3 hours, that was fun. I've also recently succeeded in getting an N64 on my computer and tonight made an excursion to the computer store to buy some USB controllers. I now have a fully functional multiplayer console and the other teachers are all wanting a turn, being equally deprived of video games.
This is definitely what I need right now. Sweet sweet video games. And maybe a massage. And maybe a real beer. And maybe some fresh air. And maybe a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich from Broadways.
Oh man what have I started. I could go on for awhile.

Anyways, I will try to keep everyone updated when I can about the progress of Super MJ Team. But for now it's been a long, tedious day and I think I slept about an hour last night. I was so delusional this morning I was walking through the schoolyard propsing kids and saying "what up playa" and various other things I knew they wouldn't understand.
sleep. now
good night.

China sickness, show lessons and Michael Jackson.

Dear outside world,

I am trapped in China.

My immune system has been brutally sabotaged.

I cannot sleep, breath properly or have the energy to leave my prison cell of a room.

Mosquitos are continuing their never-ending brutal assault on me.

The world outside is terrifying, people speak a strange tongue, stare and point at you.

Try to order food and you get sea otter vagina.

Try to go get medicine and you get Rhino horn with Tiger brain super chinese remedy.

The streets are full of baby detriment and animal guts.

Soap is non-existant, the water is undrinkable and the air is an apocalyptic haze.

I feel healthier when i eat mcdonalds and breath cleaner when I smoke a cigarette. Both of which do not help the immune system, creating a vicious cycle.

This my friends, is what I call China sickness.

I've had it for almost two weeks and I am only now finally recovering, though still coughing. I have never been sick for this long in my entire life.

This week I finally went back to work after being in this room for almost a full week. I felt the beginnings of insanity but decided it was best not to pursue it. I recovered last weekend and am starting to get things in order again.

It was dreadful. Being sick here really blows. It's hard enough to do anything as it is but add having a fever, no energy and being alone on top of it and things really are difficult. Also add in my usual case of random bad luck and you have a good time. My heater randomly decided to break during the coldest week here and no one still has come by to fix it. I had been curling up in my blanket in a sweater breathing into my hands, while trying to battle the sickness. Also my water ran out and the lady also failed to deliver it for a week. Meaning I either had to walk all the way to the store or boil water in my pot which makes it taste like metal. Also the meals here are getting worse. I think the first month they eased us into things and now they are just full on trying to destroy me. Part of the reason I became sick in the first place was because of a meal I ate one day that I don't even have the stomach to explain to you right now.

But... I overcame, I persevered. I grew stronger day by day. I didn't let China bring me down.

I got back on my feet and bitch slapped mother China right in her dirty red and yellow face. All in the nick of time too. Because the day I went back to teaching, Nemo decided to inform me that I would be having my first show lessons. The parents and the directors would be coming in and watching my lesson. Watching my every move. Like an ancient Chinese on Mongolian watch.

I was terrified. My lessons that I did teach in the last few weeks have been unplanned and boring. My energy level and enthusiasm was as they say in china, "bu hao." But now I had to do the most important classes since starting this job. holy ji ba.

(by the way i've recently incorporated Mandarin into my random things I occasionally yell out. I now have multi-lingual tourettes. some would argue this an accomplishment.)

My first show lesson for the grade 5's went alright. I spent a few hours the day before scrambling through ideas. My mother saved the day as usual and sent me a bunch of pictures of the different rooms in our house from home. I created a powerpoint presentation and a lesson where I showed the students the rooms and got them to try to name everything in it. Simple, yet they got to see a real western household. Which is very different from alot of the housing here. Some of which consist of a cave-like stone structure that chills the soul. I also showed them some pictures of a Canadian winter and they went bonkers. "Whoaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" they all yelled. I also started the lesson by speaking chinese to the parents, "baba mama, zao shang hao" I said (good morning parents), and they applauded and laughed. Always a good start. Though, the parents may or may not have enjoyed the lesson. I have no idea considering none of them speak any english and wouldn't know they difference on what i was teaching anyways. I could have been repeatedly insulting and threatening to maim their children with a smile on my face (which is my usual teaching style) and they would be none the wiser.

For my grade 4 show lesson the next day I went all out. My co-teacher Ruby told me she was very scared for the lesson because she knew I was a new teacher. This made me feel like she thought i was a horrible teacher. So I decided to mess with her a bit. I was also still not thinking clearly from my drug-induced, bedridden last two weeks.

I went into the office the day before the lesson and told her I had no idea what I wanted to do for the show lesson. No plan, no powerpoint, no ideas. I was just going to wing something and see how it went. She looked quite scared.

I went back home and got to work on what might be the greatest powerpoint presentation known to man.

There was robots and aliens. Wizards, lasers, elephants, giraffes, snakes, explosions, Yao Ming, Jackie Chan and things flying through space. I wrote a whole animated story where a robot named Zozo visited Earth and learnt how to speak about the things he saw from a powerful wizard (named Corey ofcourse.) Zozo gets attacked by evil space monsters and the only way to save Earth is to help Corey perform a powerful spell by answering a series of questions. I even recreated the whole star wars intro with music and all. I spent 6 hours on it and barely moved from my chair. I went to bed thinking this was either going to be the best lesson ever, or I may have over-done it and the parents will think I am a wacko.

Thankfully, I was not labelled a wacko by the parents and my lesson went amazing. The kids loved it and the parents were all laughing. I blew not only my co-teachers mind, but her soul as well. Remember this, nothing will make a chinese person happier than if you can make them look good in front of their boss. I left the class smiling.

I finally felt like I had proven myself as a teacher.

Afterwards the head director, Mr. Li, came up to me and asked me to come to a meeting with him. He wanted to discuss some ideas for some sort of music thing and said that was part of the reason they hired me in the first place. I was intrigued.

I went to the meeting today and left thinking I may have dug myself quite a hole. Turns out they have a big show with all the other schools in December and the school wants me to head the organization of our schools performance. Apparently, our branch has been lacking in the cool department at the yearly performances and the other schools have been making them look lame. I am their secret weapon. Or so they think.

After going back and forth with many ideas apparently I have agreed to teach a group of asian kids how to sing and dance to a Michael Jackson song. As well as organize the music. In two weeks! music okay! but yes. me. choreographing a dance. Dear god.

Now most of you know I am not the most graceful person. I come from a family of dancers and performers which helps, except for the fact that i'm on the other side of the world.

I am going to focus on the music first. On monday I get to hold auditions to find little MJ asian kids.

But first I am going to be spending this weekend in Changsha. A big city about 4 hours from here. One of the teachers at our branch is getting married in a few months so a whole bunch of us guys are going to go away for the weekend. 3 day road trip/bachelor party. Terrible things are going to happen. My next post may or not be family friendly. I hope I live to tell the tale.

I will update you all upon my return. Until then stay alert and stay safe.

Corey

Rainy Wuhan

I believe I am about due to update everyone on my life here on the other side of the planet. I find myself finding less to write about as things get settled into a daily routine without much change. Lets start by a new list of weird stuff and observations i've seen and made this month in China!

5. It seems the students have no idea what the word Religion means. Which hampered my ability to teach the word spiritual as was required the text, but also pleased me to some extent. They have a class they take called "Moral Class" where they learn to follow the Socialist ideals and read the words of poets and Chairman Mao (the ones that aren't crazy). You wouldn't find a elementary school kid in Canada with any knowledge of socialist ideals or even all that much poetry for that matter. Wether this is a good thing or not it was strange hearing the words great socialist ideals coming from a 10 year olds mouth.

4. Muslims make the best lamb sticks. It is becoming one of my favourite snacks in Wuhan, you can find them on many corners with their little barbeques cooking lamb on sticks with spices. One of them asked me "Ni shi Muzi ma?" which afterwards i learnt meant "are you muslim?" Nemo told me he thought I was muslim because I look slightly middle eastern apparently..... news to me.

3. Chinese people HATE the Japanese. I don't even know if the word hate is strong enough. If you even mention the word to a kid they will cower in fear. I was asking my class what they are scared of most and among the spiders, snakes and their fathers, a popular answer was Japanese people. Alot of them seem unaware why they don't like them it's just one of those things that IS. The Japanese do have a long history of occupation and massacres in China, many of which they still have not apologized for. But I still find it strange the level of propaganda going around about the Japanese in general. I am even scared to even write these words here, thats how strange it all is. I will touch more on this on the essay I plan to write on cultural differences.

2. WEIRD FLAVOURED SNACK FOODS! This one point is driving me mental. The Chinese seem to have this weird fascination with mixing salty and sweet together, which i believe is a no no. You cannot find regular flavoured chips anywhere, some I have found and had the misfortune of eating are: Blueberry, Sour and hot Fish, Cucumber, Lime (but like green skittles) Mexican Tomato Chicken and Lemon Tea. Popcorn is also flavoured sweet like strawberry or other fruit. Lays needs to take the notch down on the crazy-flavoured-shit-o-meter in China. I know they are strange and little and like different things but this is wacko.

1. And the number one weird and disturbing thing i've witnessed in the last little while is the consumption of mans best friend. Which I thought was a myth before coming to China. I was bored one day and decided to memorize the Chinese word and character for dog meat, which is gou rou or 狗肉, and go on a little adventure. I rode the bus to Xudong and tried to see If I could see that on any of the restaurants on the way there. This was a terrible game. There was tons of shops on the way and I soon realized I did not need to learn the characters because there was pictures posted on the signs outside. Here I was thinking they were pet shops. I used to think oh look at that nice place that sells Golden Retrievers, such beautiful animals they are. But now seeing the character for dog meat on the banner, pet shops they were no more. I even saw a place showing a dog on a plate cooked and cut into four pieces, the little head and tail sticking out the end. I left myself pondering If I could ever eat a dog. What makes it so different from say, a pig? Is it intelligence or cuteness? Pigs are statistically proven to have a higher intelligence level than dogs. I've also seen the movie Babe. Still, years of coexistence with those wonderful animals I know I could never bring myself to do it.

I hope I haven't ruined anyones day

On to my update:

It rains so much in Wuhan I have actually questioned the existence of either Chinese weather control, or magic ancient Chinese water dragons. Either one seems a plausible explanation for the amount of rain that poors down in Wuhan. Sometime it will rain for a week straight, only to see the sunshine for a day at most. When the sunshine finally comes you realize oh yea, I'm in China and the sun barely penetrates the clouds of pollution anyways. Everything is always grey or rainy. In fact thats a good way to describe China, so many shades of grey. This, along with the language barrier, lack of western comforts and endless crowds of pushy-shovey asian people you can quickly see how easily it is for a foreigner to feel depressed or have culture shock. Luckily I've been okay so far. Theres only been one FML night i've had here and it was coming home drunk one night alone and thinking way too much. But everyone knows alcohol is a depressant as it is.

I find the key to staying sane for me has been the company of those around me, appreciation for little things and a steady schedule.

During the week I have classes from 8:40 till 12:15 here at this school. On Monday and Wednesday nights I have chinese classes. Wednesday afternoon, Friday evening and some weekends I do extra work for other schools around the city. In between all of this I am marking, creating lesson plans or keeping in touch with friends from home.

On weekends the teachers usually all get together, we are like a big family.

2 weekends ago I got to play my first show in China at a bar called Wuhan Prison, which is a really awesome little indie/folk bar in Wuchang. They put me headlining the show without even hearing me play and all the teachers came out to watch as well as a bunch of Chinese people. I borrowed someones guitar and played about 8 songs, including some of my own. They all loved it. I had the chinese people all singing wonderwall at the end and it was really great to be playing and doing what I love again.

Last weekend two of the teachers (who got engaged here in China) hosted a chili night at their apartment. It was amazing to taste western food again! There was grated cheese and garlic bread and Franks red hot sauce. I was in heaven. Like I said, being in China makes you appreciate the little things so much more. Like great friends and great food, something that seems to go unappreciated sometimes back home. But when your on the other side of the world every little moment like that you cherish, like when I had poutine and Moosehead in Shanghai and toasted Canada. Every little thing.

This week we get paid and I plan on doing a little shopping. I'm going to finally buy a guitar as well as some new clothes, as Wuhan has become terribly cold and I only brought one sweater. Although I can imagine the snow is starting to roll in back home in Canada. I told my students the size of the snowbanks in Canada and they seemed terrified. If anyone wants to send me pictures to show my kids of our snow-ridden landscape that would be cool.

Also feel free to leave comments so I know people are actually reading these!

Love and miss you all,

Corey

Coreys Fun China Train Game!

So I'm up at 3:30 in the morning and for some reason have some crazy thoughts flowing through my head... which may be the norm for me i don't know.. define crazy thoughts..
Anyways, after writing my blog the question i'm still getting asked most is what it was like on the 13 hour standing class train ride of doom. So after long, careful thought I have come up with a perfect game you can play at home in order to fully experience what it is like to be on a China train. I call it Coreys Fun China Train Game! You don't need much just a trip to a local printing place and a good patient friend. Only 5 steps to it. So instead of explaining my experience to anyone anymore you can now all do it from the safety of your own homes.

Requirements:
1-3 very good friends
5-10 giant cardboard cutouts (for the full experience over 200 will be required but 5-10 will suffice for simulation)
a meter stick or measuring tape
an area of your home without a T.V on, a painting or any sort of eye candy. The more soul-crushing the surroundings the better.

Step 1:
-Find full body pictures of Asian people (preferably chinese but they are all alike). The more irritable they look the better. Next you must find a place that will do full life size cardboard cut outs and print off at least 5-10 full sized asians. Expenses are the responsibility of the main player of the game and not the friend participants.

Step 2:
-Find 1-3 friends that would be willing to spend 13 hours in your house. They are free to eat or drink as they please and may do whatever they want when not performing duties. 3 works best because they can go in shifts.

Step 3 (Setup):
-Measure a spot in your house approximately half a meter (50cm) square.
-Place the Asian cardboard cutouts around the square. Get them as close as possible. Leave no room to move within the square or move out of the square. Only the friend participants will have the ability to move freely in or out of the square.

Step 4:
-Tell your friends to come step over you or try to knock you over the second you ever look remotely comfortable. This includes closing your eyes, crouching, sitting cross legged with your head down or any attempts to sleep whatsoever. The moment they witness this they must come walk overtop you if you are crouching or sitting or push you aside if you are standing. If they let you sleep even 5 minutes they have failed. Make these rules very clear before beginning.

Step 5:
- Stand in square for 13 hours

First China Vacation Part 2 Shanghai

I boarded the 10pm train to Shanghai on Tuesday night.....
The Beijing train station was packed full of people, all on vacation for the national holiday. Because I was not in the seating class I was boarded last and I, along with about 50-70 other poor individuals without seats, scrambled and squeezed onto the train to find ourselves a nice place in the aisle. Some people were smart enough to bring little stools. Some just sat on each others laps or cuddled up against the person beside them. You see the idea of personal space is much different in China and there seems to be no problem with two grown men who don't know each other to sit on each others laps or rest their heads on each others shoulders.
I scoped out a prime location on the floor and crouched down to read for the first leg of the trip, though a little cramped and awkward with all the stares from people. What was this foreigner doing in the aisle? Aren't they supposed to be rich, those from the west? I just kept to myself and tried to get comfortable with my claimed spot of land where I would be spending the next 13 terrible, begrudging hours. I envied those with seats. Never before have I felt so appreciative of a comfort as simple as a place to sit.
The train rolled out of the station and I knew I was in for a long night.
I got close to those around me. On the floor of the train people would help each other get comfortable any way possible. They would move their bodies to help you lean on them or coordinate some sort of seating/crouching arrangement to help those around you. People from home I think would be quite uncomfortable with this ideas of being so close to complete strangers. But after the first 6 hours of the trip, with no sleep and no place to sit properly, you'd be surprised how fast that fades. The biggest pain the ass was people would be constantly getting out of their seats to either go to the washroom or go to the back of the train to smoke (directly under a no smoking sign btw.) You would finally get comfortable and close your eyes and another person would get up and climb over all those in the aisle. It made you feel nice these fortunate people with their SEATS walking over you like you are scum. Also apparently asians have to go to the washroom or smoke every 3-4 minutes.
At about the 10 hour mark the train stopped at a random city and decided to pick some more people up. All also without seats and to be shoved in the aisle. We all got up to make room for them and being the nice person I am, moved to let someone pass. Except he didn't pass. He stood directly in front of me and stayed there, now preventing me from crouching down or sitting on the floor like I was before; Which was dirty and cramped but a hell of alot better than standing for 13 hours. I took a deep breath and practiced patience, like i had for the last 10 hours, and stood for the rest of the journey.
Finally, after I thought the trip was never going to end, we pulled into the station in Shanghai. Never have I been so happy to get off a train in my life. I could move again. I was free to sit, stand or lie down at will, without asians squished up against me. Free at last.

Now saying Shanghai is a large, modern, bustling city is an understatement. This place was HUGE. Everything about Shanghai was huge and happening. Giant skyscrapers and neon lights, you think your in an asian Manhattan (which I later learnt downtown Shanghai is in fact modelled after). I checked in to my hostel where I met Bobby and Lloyd and had another wonderful Western style breakfast of Bacon and Eggs. Okay eggs and a strange meat resembling bacon, but I was definitely missing a real breakfast all month. After wandering the city for awhile and having a much needed nap, I decided to go meet Shane and Dina at the world expo.
Shanghai was the host of the world Expo this year and I just caught the final days of it. Countries from all over the world had set up pavilions in this giant park (think Landsdown on crack) and In the pavilions were exhibits, food and other cultural things to represent their country. Each had their own unique building.
There was only one destination I had here.
I bought tickets and walked past every single countries pavilion. I ran actually. Past Mexico and Poland. Past Russia and Thailand. Past a huge red white and blue building covered in corporate advertisements for mcdonalds and walmart (guess who!) and finally, around the corner from Australia and Great Britain, I came to a beautiful red and white building with a large neon sign that read;

Canada.

I smiled.
At the expo, If you are from the country of the pavilion you get right in. No waiting in line for me, I was getting VIP treatment.
I walked in to a whole wall dedicated to Hockey night in Canada. Beautiful sight. I could hear the asian kids behind me amazed at the sight of people flying across the ice and smashing into each other on the boards, probably seeing it for the first time in their lives.
The rest of the pavilion showed videos of our cities and landscapes and I've never been so proud to be Canadian in my entire life. We truly live in a beautiful country.
At the end of the building there was a little restaurant where I was stopped in my tracks at the sight of Poutine. AND Canadian beer. As I sat in the restaurant eating poutine and drinking a Moosehead I made a toast to our wonderful country.
Outside the pavilion, Shane informed me that there would be a concert. Bedouin Soundclash of all bands was playing in China that night! How random is that? We took our seats up front and watched. Apparently the Chinese had no idea how to react to this strange rock/reggae music so all the Canadians up front got up and got the whole crowd dancing. It was hilarious.
Afterwards, I met a group of people from Sudbury. Even at the opposite side of the Earth you'll still bump into folks from Northern Ontario. They were such nice people.
We then left the expo and headed to Jin Mao Tower to have drinks in the sky.

The bar in Jin Mao tower, called Cloud Nine, Is the highest bar in the world. We took the elevator up to the 87th floor where the bar is located and immediately felt out of place and underdressed. This place was way too classy. After being informed from the staff that there is a 130rmb minimum per person as well as a 15% service charge (the only place you would tip in China) we took our seats and looked out to the view of the city. I couldn't believe how high up we were. It made the view from the CN tower look like nothing. The drinks were all around 100Rmb each and we saw bottles of wine for around 30,000. Me and Shane ordered the cheapest draught on the menu and got a small plate of appetizers and still the bill came to around 500rmb. Which was more than i'd spent on my whole trip to Beijing. Damn crazy sky bar. I better get drunk faster at this altitude, I hoped.
I did not. sad face.

We payed our bill and headed home. It had been a long eventful day and I was more than ready for bed.

The next day was rather uneventful. We went to a bar called Abbey Road. Our Chinese server had a Liverpool accent, which, hours later I still couldn't get over for some reason. Then we went to a bar called the Beaver where I had a 2 hour drunken conversation with a group of German evolutionary Biologists. Everywhere we went their were tons of foreigners, I was no longer the only one. It was a strange place, Shanghai. A mix of the modern and the old. By the end of my trip I had forgotten I was even in China.
I remembered that the next day I would be heading back to dirty, foggy Wuhan. Where the streets are constantly full of the slaughter of random animals, construction and fireworks. I actually missed Wuhan for a strange reason still unknown to me.
I woke up at 6 the next morning and checked out of my hostel. But not before an early morning walk to the waterfront where i snapped that panoramic of the sunrise. I waved goodbye to Shanghai and took the subway to the train station.

Boarding my train to Wuhan, I stopped for a moment to breathe in a wonderful sight.
For there, in front of my eyes, was a seat.
A beautiful, glorious seat.

First China Vacation Part 1 Beijing

Hello Westerners! I am back from my week long vacation and my first time really travelling in China. I'll have to say it was quite the adventure and I have so much to tell I've decided to take it in two parts. Once again i know my blogs have been stretched far and in between (if anyone actually reads them!), this is mostly because my day to day life in Wuhan has become at times repetitive! Although I still see the odd thing that is worth writing about. Anyways, a little preface:
I hadn't had the money at the time to book my train ticket with all the other teachers so I ended up flying out on sunday morning by myself to meet them all there. My flight left at 8am and I had to be there at 7am. Taking an hour to get there that meant I woke up at 5:30. Except I didn't really wake up per se. I gave up on sleep because I was too excited and just stayed up all night.
I walked outside at 6am into complete nothingness. Had I just died? All you could see was cloudy white air and maybe a few feet in front of you. I assumed this was morning fog and, when mixed with Wuhans usual pollution haze, offered a view distance of about 5 feet. The few taxis that were on the main road were driving so slow you could walk faster than them. I was glad to be leaving this grey depressing place for the capital of China. But as most things in my life it was not without random bad luck obstacles. The fog/pollution/end of all mankind fallout was so thick that my plane was grounded on the runway for about 2 and a half hours. Awesome. Perfect start to a day. If I didn't make it to Beijing before noon or so all the other teachers there would most likely be off sightseeing without me and not at the hostel. Making it difficult to find them. Eventually though, I sighed a breath of relief as my plane lifted off and I was off the Beijing.

I landed in Beijing at about 1pm. So much for making it before noon. I quickly called all the teachers but no one seemed to pick up. Looks like I was going to have to find my way to the hostel on my own. Before leaving i had written down basic directions and a hilarious kindergarten map of the area I would be staying in. Very confused and lost in the airport, I somehow managed to find the bullet train that took me to the subway line and eventually to where my hostel was near Tiannamen Square. While riding the train through the city, I looked out the window in wonder. Is that a BLUE sky I see? are those TREES? Is this lady on the intercom speaking in ENGLISH? Was I even still in China? I swear I had just gotten off in Scarborough and was heading into downtown Toronto. What is this madness. I made my way to the crowded Beijing subway. When I say crowded I mean crowded. This was China National Week and apparently, pretty much every asian was headed to the capital. Facing my second obstacle of the day, I realized my subway stop was not even functioning as the train just blew right by. I got off anyways and decided to walk to my hostel using my crayon map.
Beijing is a beautiful city. I had expected it to be dirtier and more polluted than Wuhan but I was definitely wrong. This was a vacation from the China I knew. Everywhere had english signs. When I bought water she spoke english to me and said have a nice day. I was beaming as I checked into my hostel and set out to find the rest of the teachers, who were at the Beijing Silk Street doing some shopping.

I'm going to have to say that the silk market in Beijing is every womans dream and every mans nightmare. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silk_Street.
6 floors of everything you can even think of buying, all bunched up into tiny stalls. People yell at you when you pass them, asking if you want this or that. Armani, Gucci, Prada, Luis Vitton all either incredibly cheap or flat out amazing fakes. Everything you buy comes with a wonderfully addicting game to go with it, the bargaining game. The "Whos a Cheaper Asshole" game. The girls were all having a heyday. They had already perfected the art of bargaining and were getting things that were at first 1500 kuai, down to about 100 (which is about $15 canadian.) Myself I wanted to leave the place about 3 minutes after being in it. But the girls were in for the long haul so I decided to make a few purchases. I bought a swiss army knife, a poker set and some Nike Air running shoes (150 kuai!) for the 10k Great Wall hike we were doing in the morning. Apparently I was not very good at "Who's A Cheaper Asshole" and the other teachers laughed at the prices I got the stuff for. Except the shoes. Which i brought one of the expert females with me to purchase.
Later on we went to a Western restaurant and i had my first real pizza and beer since i've been in China. But I was exhausted and ended the night early. We were getting up at 6am to go hike the Great Wall Of China.



We all hopped on the bus early Monday morning. The tour would be taking us about 4 hours out of the city to a section of a wall rarely travelled by tourists and far more authentic. What some people don't know is that the main part of the wall you see in pictures and as the tourist attraction is not even a real part of the wall. It was restored and made to resemble the original wall, they even made it wider so as to fit more people on it, meaning more Kuai from tourists. As I will learn theres not much real left from ancient China.
On the way there I was pleased to enjoy an episode of southpark. Last thing I had expected. It was the one where they hire the Chinese guy to build a wall to keep out the Mongolians. It was fitting and hilarious. When we finally arrived I strapped on my new Nikes and got ready for one of the hardest hikes of my life.
I had no idea the stamina it was going to take to climb this thing. In pictures it seems so straight and casual but not this part. It goes straight up a mountain by way of steep, broken, stone steps and some parts none at all. Your always climbing, but that meant the view got better everytime you looked back and what a view it was. The view from the Great Wall is breathtaking. For the first time in China I was in awe of something natural. The endless green mountains and the wall snaking for miles out of view, I enjoyed every minute of the hike besides the fact I was huffing and puffing, so out of shape, as the air got thinner. I yelled and threw rocks off the great wall and tried to picture Mongolian hordes attacking from the other side. The thin air was for sure getting to me. At the halfway point of the hike you get to the part of the wall that hasn't been restored for 500 years. It was grown over with shrubs and trees for the most part and others were just a thin line of concrete where you have to walk across. I though back home this would never be allowed without some sort of safety rail and was happy the Chinese don't really care all that much for safety. After the 3 hour hike was over I was exhausted and inspired at the same time. Also starving. After carving my name into the one of the wonders of the world, we headed home to have Peking Duck for dinner. It was delicious.

The next day I went to the Tiannamen Square and the Forbidden City. Which was equally packed with tourists. This blog is already way too long so instead of explaining the history behind the place i'll just post a link for anyone interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forbidden_City. All i have to say about the forbidden city is that while being beautiful and massive, not much of the real architecture is authentic. Most of it was restored. But It was still badass walking on the same forbidden ground the emperors of China walked on for hundreds of years. After a long 5 hour walk around Beijing I took a much needed nap and planned the next leg of my journey.
This is where things got interesting. A few of the teachers decided that instead of going back to Wuhan and doing nothing for 4 days they would take a train to Shanghai and spend the rest of the vacation there. Unfortunately for me they failed to mention this to me and had already booked the tickets well in advance. I scrambled to get a ticket booked but all the trains were booked up. The person at the hostel told me there was another option but usually they don't even bother offering it to foreigners; Standing class. You see on China trains you can get Soft Sleeper (the most expensive, offering a nice comfy bed) Hard sleeper, Soft Seat and for the poor or unfortunate few, standing class. You have a ticket on the train but no seat and you are forced to stand/sit/kneel/crouch in the aisle of the soft seat cars. This was a 13 hour overnight train. I figured screw it, I'm in China. What other chance would i get to do something like this. Also the ticket was only 150 kuai (the same price as my running shoes). I took it. The chinese people working at the desk and the other teachers around all looked at me crazily "are you sure!?!" they asked.
It can't be that bad? right?
I would soon find out.... to be continued