I am trapped in China.
My immune system has been brutally sabotaged.
I cannot sleep, breath properly or have the energy to leave my prison cell of a room.
Mosquitos are continuing their never-ending brutal assault on me.
The world outside is terrifying, people speak a strange tongue, stare and point at you.
Try to order food and you get sea otter vagina.
Try to go get medicine and you get Rhino horn with Tiger brain super chinese remedy.
The streets are full of baby detriment and animal guts.
Soap is non-existant, the water is undrinkable and the air is an apocalyptic haze.
I feel healthier when i eat mcdonalds and breath cleaner when I smoke a cigarette. Both of which do not help the immune system, creating a vicious cycle.
This my friends, is what I call China sickness.
I've had it for almost two weeks and I am only now finally recovering, though still coughing. I have never been sick for this long in my entire life.
This week I finally went back to work after being in this room for almost a full week. I felt the beginnings of insanity but decided it was best not to pursue it. I recovered last weekend and am starting to get things in order again.
It was dreadful. Being sick here really blows. It's hard enough to do anything as it is but add having a fever, no energy and being alone on top of it and things really are difficult. Also add in my usual case of random bad luck and you have a good time. My heater randomly decided to break during the coldest week here and no one still has come by to fix it. I had been curling up in my blanket in a sweater breathing into my hands, while trying to battle the sickness. Also my water ran out and the lady also failed to deliver it for a week. Meaning I either had to walk all the way to the store or boil water in my pot which makes it taste like metal. Also the meals here are getting worse. I think the first month they eased us into things and now they are just full on trying to destroy me. Part of the reason I became sick in the first place was because of a meal I ate one day that I don't even have the stomach to explain to you right now.
But... I overcame, I persevered. I grew stronger day by day. I didn't let China bring me down.
I got back on my feet and bitch slapped mother China right in her dirty red and yellow face. All in the nick of time too. Because the day I went back to teaching, Nemo decided to inform me that I would be having my first show lessons. The parents and the directors would be coming in and watching my lesson. Watching my every move. Like an ancient Chinese on Mongolian watch.
I was terrified. My lessons that I did teach in the last few weeks have been unplanned and boring. My energy level and enthusiasm was as they say in china, "bu hao." But now I had to do the most important classes since starting this job. holy ji ba.
(by the way i've recently incorporated Mandarin into my random things I occasionally yell out. I now have multi-lingual tourettes. some would argue this an accomplishment.)
My first show lesson for the grade 5's went alright. I spent a few hours the day before scrambling through ideas. My mother saved the day as usual and sent me a bunch of pictures of the different rooms in our house from home. I created a powerpoint presentation and a lesson where I showed the students the rooms and got them to try to name everything in it. Simple, yet they got to see a real western household. Which is very different from alot of the housing here. Some of which consist of a cave-like stone structure that chills the soul. I also showed them some pictures of a Canadian winter and they went bonkers. "Whoaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" they all yelled. I also started the lesson by speaking chinese to the parents, "baba mama, zao shang hao" I said (good morning parents), and they applauded and laughed. Always a good start. Though, the parents may or may not have enjoyed the lesson. I have no idea considering none of them speak any english and wouldn't know they difference on what i was teaching anyways. I could have been repeatedly insulting and threatening to maim their children with a smile on my face (which is my usual teaching style) and they would be none the wiser.
For my grade 4 show lesson the next day I went all out. My co-teacher Ruby told me she was very scared for the lesson because she knew I was a new teacher. This made me feel like she thought i was a horrible teacher. So I decided to mess with her a bit. I was also still not thinking clearly from my drug-induced, bedridden last two weeks.
I went into the office the day before the lesson and told her I had no idea what I wanted to do for the show lesson. No plan, no powerpoint, no ideas. I was just going to wing something and see how it went. She looked quite scared.
I went back home and got to work on what might be the greatest powerpoint presentation known to man.
There was robots and aliens. Wizards, lasers, elephants, giraffes, snakes, explosions, Yao Ming, Jackie Chan and things flying through space. I wrote a whole animated story where a robot named Zozo visited Earth and learnt how to speak about the things he saw from a powerful wizard (named Corey ofcourse.) Zozo gets attacked by evil space monsters and the only way to save Earth is to help Corey perform a powerful spell by answering a series of questions. I even recreated the whole star wars intro with music and all. I spent 6 hours on it and barely moved from my chair. I went to bed thinking this was either going to be the best lesson ever, or I may have over-done it and the parents will think I am a wacko.
Thankfully, I was not labelled a wacko by the parents and my lesson went amazing. The kids loved it and the parents were all laughing. I blew not only my co-teachers mind, but her soul as well. Remember this, nothing will make a chinese person happier than if you can make them look good in front of their boss. I left the class smiling.
I finally felt like I had proven myself as a teacher.
Afterwards the head director, Mr. Li, came up to me and asked me to come to a meeting with him. He wanted to discuss some ideas for some sort of music thing and said that was part of the reason they hired me in the first place. I was intrigued.
I went to the meeting today and left thinking I may have dug myself quite a hole. Turns out they have a big show with all the other schools in December and the school wants me to head the organization of our schools performance. Apparently, our branch has been lacking in the cool department at the yearly performances and the other schools have been making them look lame. I am their secret weapon. Or so they think.
After going back and forth with many ideas apparently I have agreed to teach a group of asian kids how to sing and dance to a Michael Jackson song. As well as organize the music. In two weeks! music okay! but yes. me. choreographing a dance. Dear god.
Now most of you know I am not the most graceful person. I come from a family of dancers and performers which helps, except for the fact that i'm on the other side of the world.
I am going to focus on the music first. On monday I get to hold auditions to find little MJ asian kids.
But first I am going to be spending this weekend in Changsha. A big city about 4 hours from here. One of the teachers at our branch is getting married in a few months so a whole bunch of us guys are going to go away for the weekend. 3 day road trip/bachelor party. Terrible things are going to happen. My next post may or not be family friendly. I hope I live to tell the tale.
I will update you all upon my return. Until then stay alert and stay safe.
Corey
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